Like a Condom On a Collection Plate

My father arrived home from Prague tonight and despite being jet-lagged, called to tell me he arrived safely.  This call was accompanied by his usual (often un-politically correct, completely inappropriate) southern phrases (my dad is not from the south, per se, but has adopted local yokel phrases to feel indigenous, it seems) and since I've sworn my life over to the care of this blessed blog, I had no other choice but to catalogue them for you fine people (person? imaginary friend?).  Drum roll, please:

(1) Of the "I wouldn't..." variety:

"...piss on his/her guts if they were on fire"

"...beat a dog in the ass with that" (he doesn't beat dogs, but I digress)

(2) Of the religious variety

On marriage: "I've been down the aisle more times than the church sweeper"

On fitting in: "I stood out like a condom on a collection plate"

(3) Of the academic/intellectually critical variety

Taking LaVonna (his girlfriend) to the Louvre/Vatican/any cultural site: "was like shoving 10lbs of shit in a 5lb bag"

On the town he grew up in: "it's like a two-tooth minimum"

(4) Of the "chicks are pretty ugly here" variety

On Boston: "An AVON lady could make a killing here" (I tend to agree)

(5) Of the drug variety

In the seventies: "I was higher than a pussy on a ferris wheel" (you can't make this shit up)

(6) Of the "I'm bored" variety

Talking to (my) your grandmother (was so boring) it "made me want to run a warm bath and cut my wrists"

More charmers to come.  (My Dad actually is a pretty cool, kind dude).